chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
We are all done wearing pants today
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
