I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
