At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize