Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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