I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
