when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just puked most of my soul out..
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
