Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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