I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
