Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
