My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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