Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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