I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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