My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
