Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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