There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
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