mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
your like the ambassador to my penis.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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