I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
