just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
