My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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