My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
