i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize