You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
