I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize