I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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