does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
