Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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