Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize