I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
