a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
