You smell like a Billy Joel song
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Randomize
