I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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