So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
