i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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