Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
