I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize