my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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