he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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