What did we do last night that was yellow?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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