i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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