I think I won the penis lottery.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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