I wish I could teleport
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
