Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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