Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
