A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
this will be a night to untag.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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