Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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