no, he came in my armpit
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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