you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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