i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize