Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
