I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
