Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
