Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
