Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
