I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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