Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
