i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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