Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
