why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize