It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize