If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
