I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
