and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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