cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
