He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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