i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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